


the last seven days in the life of Ludger Kresnik

by NightsMistress



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: implied pre-Jude/Ludger, perfect ending spoilers, post chapter 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 07:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2804540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightsMistress/pseuds/NightsMistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after the soul bridge opens, there is still time for Ludger's friends to help him find absolution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cross](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cross/gifts).



> Thank you to muuchan and morbane for the betas ♥

It’s been three days since Ludger impaled Julius on his spear and destroyed Julius’ perfect world, and he has yet to return home. There is too much of Julius in the apartment that they share and while the chores are building up Ludger cannot bear to do the laundry. It has always been his responsibility to launder Julius’ clothes as well as his own, and he thinks that if he tried now, he would just curl up around one of Julius’ shirts and struggle to breathe around the grief that always sits on his chest now.

He does not have time for that.

Instead, he has spent the last three days charting a path through the Land of Canaan. The topography of Canaan is subject to the whims of Chronos, who knows that they are there and would not be sad if all the scions of Kresnik died on the path to Origin, and so the land itself is treacherous. Parts of the path disappear once weight is put on them, and every time they leave and come back, the path changes. Rowen is sure that there is a pattern to the changes, but for now they must plot a new course each time.

The soul bridge permits multiple uses; they learn this when Elize accidentally sends Teepo back to Marksburg, and the soul bridge does not snap closed afterward and leave them trapped in Canaan. Muzét is impressed, and says that she could not create a similar rift in space-time and hold it open as long as Julius has. Jude wants to study the mana flow to work out how it is that Julius, someone utterly without magical ability, was able to create a stable rift that still remains open. Rowen imposes strict rules about how long they are to stay in Canaan, citing the fact that Milla cannot hold the summoning circle for the Four forever, and they will make mistakes if they over-exert themselves. Gaius just folds his arms and says that he will continuing the summoning should Milla fall, while Alvin shakes his head.

Ludger is grateful that they are here with him at the end, but he just wants to throw himself at the maze until it breaks down under the force of his will. Unlike Jude and Rowen, he does not enjoy riddles. While Jude and Rowen draw their maps, Ludger stares at his too-clean hands. They should be caked in gore from the worlds he has killed, from the people who have died to bring him this far, and they remain stubbornly clean. Gaius, Milla and Alvin keep a watchful eye for monsters while this goes on, standing guard over Jude and Rowen while they put pen to paper and try to solve the riddle of the changing paths.

Today, the mapmaker is Jude — Rowen remaining back at the entrance with Gaius, Elize, Leia and Alvin to turn their scribbled efforts into a map worthy of staging an assault on a Great Spirit — and he is directing the party through what he thinks might be the safest route. They haven’t gone this way before, and Ludger is not as sure-footed as he normally is, so it’s not a surprise that he places his foot on a part of the path that is no longer there. He catches himself before he falls into the void between dimensions, but the noise of his scuffed footsteps attracts the attention of the shadowy, strange beasts that haunt Canaan. Three of them come, strong and fast. With the miasma everywhere, the fight must be done quickly and bloodily. Otherwise, they run the risk of Milla being knocked out of the fight, even temporarily, and drowning on poisonous air.

Milla strikes at the monsters with a combination of magic and sword work, her face a stoic mask of concentration as she maintains the summoning arte keeping the Four Great Spirits’ shield in place. For anyone else, such a feat would be impossible. However, Milla is a person who does not know the meaning of ‘impossible’, and so stays ahead of the monster attacks with nimble footwork and blasts of flame.

Ludger knows that Milla is doing this and how impossible it is because he can hear Muzét’s commentary in the back of his mind as she teleports Milla out of danger when a monster comes too close. Muzét’s commentary is a breathless gushy stream of consciousness about how amazing Milla is, with a side of how amazing Muzét is at keeping her little sister safe and how _now_ Milla will admire her big sister and then her friends will be Muzét’s friends too. If it were any other situation, if Ludger were less exhausted, he would be able to smile at how peculiarly charming Muzét’s devotion is.

Instead, sweat trickling into his eyes and sticking his hair to his forehead in damp tangles, he is struggling to stay one step ahead of the monsters’ attacks. Chronos is not playing fair — though he never did — and when the battle began the monsters were not in the same place as where Ludger saw them. Fatigue makes him slow and clumsy, his blades resting in hands that feel more like blocks of wood than flesh and blood, and he has to take risks he ordinarily wouldn’t in order to cut a path through. Fortunately, Jude is nearby, channeling spirit artes to support the party.

Ludger flips over one of the shadowy scorpions, landing behind it in an acrobatic move that would have made Julius proud to see it — _no, don’t think about him now_ — and strikes at the tail to remove the threat of its poison. The monster tries to pierce at him with the tail, he blocks the blow with the blade of his left sword and then sweeps his right sword across to score the base of the tail. It cuts deep, and the monster screams and lashes out at him. He dodges the first blow, ducks the second, and steps in quickly to strike at the monster’s exposed underbelly.

His blades tear into the monster’s flesh and its screams change pitch. The monster’s strikes become wild, frenzied, and Ludger almost manages to avoid being hit by them. However, one gets lucky, clipping him hard against the temple as he tries to step out of the way, and he goes down. He hits the ground hard and lies there stunned. He knows that he must get up, but cannot work out how. Jude, always a good linked partner, pulls him to his feet, then whips right into the last monster’s blind spot and strikes at it with his gauntleted fists. The blindside is beautifully done, and followed up by a kick that Ludger knows from experience is harder than Jude’s build would lead you to believe. The monster is pushed from the edge of the path and falls into the emptiness that surrounds them.

That done, the four of them take a moment to catch their breaths.

“Are you all right?” Milla asks Ludger, wiping her blade against her skirt to clean it of gore before sheathing it. She does that a lot, and Ludger has learned not to wince when she does it. “That looked like it hurt.”

Ludger touches his temple, but it doesn’t feel like it’s bleeding. His head aches, but that’s not unusual of late. He’s had a headache for days now, one that gets worse the more exhausted he is, and it seems resistant to the usual painkillers. Julius would say it was stress, and that he needs to stop worrying, but of course Julius is not here to say that to him anymore.

“Yeah,” he says, smiling sheepishly and moving his hand to the back of his head to rest at the base of his skull. “It was just a lucky blow.”

Jude is studying him with that sharp-eyed intensity that means that he’s making connections that only Jude can see, tapping his finger against his temple in an unconscious tell. Ludger lets his hand fall to his side. With the adrenaline fading, it’s almost too effort to keep his hand up.

“You’ll have to be faster next time,” Muzét says, crossing her arms and frowning. Internally, she’s far more distraught, crying _I can’t protect you_ and _Milla! You’re not allowed to get hurt!_ Which does little to assuage Ludger’s guilt. Next time he’ll be better, faster, stronger.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Jude shake his head once, having come to a conclusion. “It’s getting late,” he says. “Let’s head back and come again tomorrow.”

Ludger wants to protest that he can keep going, because at the heart of the maze is Elle and they are her only hope of salvation. However, he also knows that Jude is right. There will be a fight to win Elle’s freedom from Bisley, and they must be at their best for that fight. In his pocket he can feel the tick of his pocket watch, and while that only goes so far to reassure him that Elle is alive, he knows that he will do her little good if he dies before saving her. So he follows after Milla and Muzét as they retrace their steps to the platform where the others are waiting. Jude is a step behind him, though Ludger does not know why.

As they draw close to the platform, Ludger can see that Leia, Alvin, Elize and Rowen are seated on the ground, playing poker, while Gaius looms over them and stands guard. He clears his throat at their approach, and Leia looks up. Her eyes widen in recognition.

“Back so soon?” she says, on seeing that there’s no immediate threat. She tilts her head quizzically as she looks at Jude.

“It’s later than you think, so we’re heading back,” Jude says. Leia frowns, confused, and then realisation dawns. She nods and Ludger can feel the strange, unsettling feeling of healing artes being cast on him. His injuries, mostly shallow cuts and bruises, heal up cleanly. The headache remains, as does the bone-deep exhaustion.

“A wise idea,” Rowen says, standing up with a litheness that belies his age. “It looks like we’ve all made very good progress.”

“And it’s almost Elize’s bedtime,” Alvin chimes in, and grins at Elize’s narrow-eyed glare and Teepo floating menacingly in his face. Ludger waits for Elle to say something sarcastic or bratty to Alvin for being mean to Elize, then closes his eyes when nothing is forthcoming. However, he cannot spend time dwelling on what he is unable to change. Instead, he follows the others through the soul bridge, sparing a moment to gaze at Canaan before stepping inside. The transit is almost instantaneous. Almost.

Jude has a theory about how the transition puts a strain on their bodies because their internal sense of time has to sync with the reality they are currently in, and because Canaan has such a strange concept of time, it takes a moment to adjust. It’s a clever theory, and would explain why they always feel out of breath when they come back to their world, and why it takes a steeling of will to exit the soul bridge.

Ludger thinks it’s because he wants to hear Julius one last time and if he stays in the soul bridge long enough, he may hear his voice. It’s not a sentiment he’s shared.

As they emerge into the bright, loud town of Rieze Maxia’s half of Marksburg, Ludger stumbles. That’s not unexpected either; the transition is hard and he was exhausted before they went through. What is unexpected is the wave of dizziness that sweeps over him, like when they exited the Epsilla Ruins only far worse. Everything is too bright and loud and he cannot see through the halo that every object and person seems to have. He swallows, swaying on his feet, and Jude and Leia catch at his elbows. His head spins, he can hear Jude say something from far away, he can feel Leia’s fingers tighten around his elbow as she channels magic into him, and then he feels nothing at all.

* * *

 

The ground is rough and cold even through his shirt and he can feel someone’s hand wrapped around his wrist, two fingers pressed against the delicate skin of the inside of his wrist. He feels terrible, weak and dizzy, but he wants to know what is going on and who is touching him, so he forces his eyelids to open. He blinks, trying to bring the world back into focus, and it takes him a minute to understand that he is lying on the pavement in Marksburg and Jude is kneeling next to him. His hair covers his face while he takes Ludger’s pulse, but from what Ludger can see of his expression, it is professional impassivity. Ludger remembers that Jude’s title of ‘Dr Mathis’ is for medicine, not pure research. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.

“Take it easy,” Jude says, resting his hand on Ludger’s shoulder. It’s enough to keep him in place, as Ludger is too weak and wrung out to think about resisting the gentle pressure of Jude’s hand. “You’ve been working too hard lately.” Ludger cannot see the others, which should alarm him, but he’s sure that if they had gotten into trouble while he was unconscious, Jude would be with them instead of him. He closes his eyes in resignation, because what he does know is that he is not working hard enough to stop his exquisitely slow drowning under the weight of everything he has done. He doesn’t know how Julius managed to keep smiling under this weight. He wishes Julius hadn’t had to do it alone.

“Ludger?” Jude says, and Ludger opens his eyes.

“I’m okay,” he says. “I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.”

“I thought that was it,” Jude says. “I sent the others off to get a hotel room.”

Ludger thinks he can sit up and tries. Jude steadies him, resting a hand on his back in case he falls backward.

“Thanks,” Ludger says, and accepts Jude’s help in standing. Jude’s hand rests on his elbow to steady him, but he thinks his head is clearer now, and he can walk to the hotel, at least. It’s not far. He is, however, grateful for the prospect of a bed.

The hotelier doesn’t bat an eyelid at the scene of two battle-weary men, one guiding the other’s steps, looking at them with the disinterested gaze of a man who has seen this all too often and has learned to expect payment up front. Ludger fumbles in his pocket for his GHS, knowing by now the routine.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jude says. “We’ve got enough money on us to cover it. Besides, do you really want Nova to call you right now?”

“No,” Ludger says on a sigh. He does not relish explaining to Nova why he was in Marksburg, with the company he is with, when he should be in Trigleph running Spirius Corporation, and why he is spending money that really should go towards paying his debt.

Jude walks with him upstairs to their room, steadying his steps as his falters, and guides him to a bed. Ludger’s descent is more of a fall than a controlled lowering, but Jude’s hands are strong as they help him lie down.

Jude starts to leave, and then pauses at the door frame.

“I don’t know if anyone’s told you,” he says, leaning against the door frame, looking both sombre and unusually nervous. “Milla died once to save us from the Lance of Kresnik — not the little ones that Spirius were using, but a big one to break down the schism.” He took a breath, swallowed. “When that happened, I couldn’t do anything. Or, I didn’t want to do anything. Leia had to protect me from everything.”

“I’m sorry,” Ludger says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t supported the Otherworld Reactor Plan, but he hadn’t been involved in stopping it either.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jude says. “I just wanted you to know that I couldn’t do what you’re doing. I couldn’t be that strong, and I really admire you.”

“Really?” Ludger says, surprised. Jude is one of the most admirable, determined people he knows, whose response to a problem that has plagued Elympios for thousands of years is to set his shoulders and resolve to find a solution despite the fact that Elympions just like Ludger tried to kill Jude and everyone he loves. It’s humbling to know that this person considers him to be strong.

Jude blushes under Ludger’s startled scrutiny. “Anyway,” he says, rubbing the back of his head. “I just wanted you to know that no matter what, we’ve got your back. But for now, you should rest.”

He closes the door behind him, leaving Ludger alone with his thoughts.

He doesn’t think he’s strong. He doesn’t think he is admirable, and while he wishes that Jude’s praise was true, it’s unexpected because Ludger knows that he is only able to keep going because he must. If anyone else could be the scion of Kresnik that compels Origin to save the prime dimension, he would let them, but there is no one he would trust to get it right. Not now, anyway. Ludger reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pocket watch. He’s not sure whether to call it his or Elle’s now. Maybe it’s better to say that it’s both of theirs, a symbol of the connection that they have, and of the promise he has made. He holds it close to his ear, and closes his eyes to allow himself to listen to the soft, steady, tick-tick of the the watch.


	2. Day Two

The morning starts with his phone ringing, which is not the most auspicious start to any morning. 

Ludger is jarred awake from a leaden, exhausted sleep by the sound, and it takes him a minute to understand just what is going on and where he is. He is in a hotel room in Marksburg, where Jude took him after he collapsed, it has been four days since Julius died, and he cannot think about that while there are things left undone. He can rest afterward.

He winces as the phone rings again, fumbling for it and flipping it open with one hand.

“Hello?” he says, and prays that it is not Vera. He knows that it is cowardly, but he cannot bear the thought of destroying another dimension right now. 

“Hey Ludger,” Nova says. It’s not much better. “I went to visit your apartment and you weren’t there! Was there a hot date?”

Ludger sits up with a grunt, looks around at the weapons lying discarded on the floor, and remembers the events of the previous day. “Not really,” he says.

“Good!” Nova sounds quite relieved at this and Ludger has no idea why. Even if he had had a date, it wouldn’t have impacted his ability to meet his repayments. 

“Okay?” he says, and he can hear Nova sigh on the other end of the line.

“Sometimes being obtuse isn’t endearing, even for nice guys like you,” Nova says cryptically. Her voice regains its usual sunny cheerfulness as she adds, “so where are you, anyway?”

“Marksburg,” Ludger says.

“Ooh,” Nova says. “Is that why you ran off the other day? What happened?”

Ludger looks at his hands and is surprised anew that they are not bloody. “Nothing,” he says after considering his options. “I just realised that I left something behind and I had to get it back.”

“Ludger,” Nova says, dragging out the vowels. “That is the worst lie I have ever heard and I work for a bank! C’mon! You can tell me.”

Ludger considers continuing the lie and pretending that everything is fine. He can’t bring himself to do it. Eventually it will come out, and so he might as well control what information comes out and when. “Someone died,” he says wearily.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Nova says in a rush of sound. “Are you okay? Of course you’re not okay.” There’s a pause, and then Nova speaks again, dawning horror in her voice. “It’s not Elle, is it?”

Ludger shakes his head, and then remembers she can’t see it. “No,” he says. “It’s no-one you know.” 

Since becoming a Spirius agent, Ludger has become much more comfortable with lying.

“Geez, you scared me!” Nova says, breathing a sigh of relief. “I just haven’t heard her when I call you lately! Is she okay?”

“Yeah,” Ludger says. “She’s just sleeping.” He hopes that she is sleeping, wherever Bisley has her now. He doesn’t dare hope that Bisley is looking after her properly, not now that he has seen Bisley’s true colours, but he hopes that she’s still safe. He resists the urge to reach for his pocket watch to be sure.

“Good,” Nova says. “You have to take better care of her, Luds! She’s your … what is she?”

“A relative,” Ludger says. “Her parents died, so I’m looking after her.” 

He’s learned that when you lie, the more truth you can mix in, the better the lie. Nova swallows it easily. After all, there are a number of orphans in Elympios, including Ludger himself, and it’s not so far fetched that he would look after her. 

“Oh no, that’s awful,” she says. “I hope things get better for you soon — oops!” There’s some rustling over the line, and then Nova says in a whisper, “I have to go, my boss showed up. Take care of yourself!”

The phone line goes dead. Ludger picks up his weaponry from where it lies discarded on the floor — _little brother, you know better than that_ , no he can’t think of that or else he will never do the things that he must today — and arms himself fbefore checking out of the hotel. The others have left messages at the reception letting him know that they have some errands to take care of but that Jude and Elize will be by soon, and that he can rest up until then. Milla’s absent from the message, but that’s no real surprise. Completing Origin’s trial and saving Elle is Milla’s mission right now and she will pursue it with the single-minded determination that both Millas were known for. If she is not with Jude — and by his message to Ludger she is not — then she will be in Canaan. 

Ludger checks out, thanks the hotelier for his patience, and goes to the soul bridge. He steps inside, and closes his eyes to better hear the ambient noise, but still cannot hear Julius. He thinks, now that it is just him in the soul bridge, he can sense Julius’ presence as a warm, comforting feeling, but that’s all. He wants to stay longer, forever even, but the soul bridge won’t allow him. It’s quintessentially Julius, even at the end, to make decisions like this for Ludger’s own good. That used to anger him, but now he would give anything to have Julius do it one last time, rather than only a murdered and mutilated echo.

When the soul bridge opens, he can see Milla sitting on the ground and sharpening the edge of her sword with a whetstone. She looks up as the bridge disgorges Ludger, and gestures at him to sit down with her. She looks far happier than the last time he saw her, and Ludger assumes that it has to do with her and Jude’s dates. He smiles at the memory of Milla’s excited suggestion that they go to the top of the waterfall, and Jude’s normally grounded attitude giving way to flustered panic at the idea. 

Ludger sits down, his knees almost touching Milla’s, and pulls one of his pistols out of its holster. It’s the one that Julius commissioned Spirius to make for him, and it is beautifully weighted in his hand. However, he’d noticed in the last fight they’d had that the firing mechanism was sticking enough to be inconvenient, and he might as well take the time now to find out what is causing it. He lays out a cloth from one of his pouches and disassembles the pistol into its individual parts. As he had suspected, the firing mechanism had been jammed with dirt catching in the parts. He removes the dirt, cleaned the individual parts, and reassembles the pistol. 

“You’re very good at that,” Milla says. “I’m impressed.”

“It’s practice,” Ludger says. “Julius says —“ and he cuts himself off. He takes a breath, and then says, “Julius _said_ that I wasn’t allowed to learn how to use them until I learned how to look after them.”

“It’s a good way to teach you to respect your weapon,” Milla says. “And they’re quite ingenious. Are they powered by spyrix?”

“I don’t know?” Ludger says. “I never really thought about it.”

This Milla’s attitude toward spyrixes is, though not at odds with the attitude of the other Milla, a lot more flexible. He cannot imagine the other Milla calmly asking whether the man who destroyed her world also uses weapons that slowly kill spirits. That aside, this Milla is far more poised and unflappable. He wonders whether the other Milla could have been like this Milla. 

“Why don’t you hate spyrixes?” he says.

Milla studies him and his pistols for a moment. “I don’t like them, but I know that they are only temporary. Jude will work out how to make spyrites work. If I’m lucky, I’ll still be here to see it.”

“That’s … very different to what the other Milla would have said,” Ludger says.

“I’m not surprised,” Milla says. “If I had had a different life, I might have thought the same way. Instead, I met Jude and all of you.”

Ludger frowns in thought. “You saw everything we did when you were trapped between the dimensions,” he says.

“That’s correct.”

“So you saw what happened to the other Milla’s dimension.”

“Yes,” Milla says. She bites her lip. “I cannot forgive you for that, because the only person who could have was that Milla.”

Ludger shakes his head. “I know, and I wouldn’t ask her to. How could I ever make that right? Can anyone?”

Milla tilts her head to one side in thought. “I think anyone can atone, but how? I don’t know,” she says finally. “While she and I look the same, we were really very different.”

Ludger had figured that would be the answer. He isn’t sure why he asked the question in the first place. Maybe he had hoped that when the other Milla had been sacrificed to bring back Milla Maxwell, they had spoken. He wishes he could have heard Milla’s last words before she let go of his wrist and fell into the abyss. He doubts that her dying sentiment was forgiveness, but he would have wanted to know it anyway. She deserves better than to be forgotten, and he hates that she went to her death thinking that her life was worth less than that of those from the prime dimension.

“But,” she adds, “I think she would have forgiven you in time. You have a good heart, Ludger. You take no pleasure in what you do. I saw that when I watched you, and she would have seen it too.” She looks at him and smiles. It’s not how his Milla smiled, but this Milla is utterly confident about who she is and what she is about, unlike his Milla. His Milla would have scowled and demanded to know what he was thinking, asking her such stupid questions. This Milla just rests her hand on his knee. “I don’t profess to be an expert in human emotions, but it sounds like you are one who needs to forgive himself.”

Ludger starts in surprise, eyes going wide.

“I can recognise guilt when I see it,” Milla goes on. “I hope you can find the absolution you need.”

He hadn’t realised he was so obvious about his feelings.

“Yeah,” Ludger says. He manages a smile. “Thanks.”

The soul bridge opens, and Jude steps out. “There you are!” he says. “Sorry about that, I had some things to take care of. Were you two waiting long?”

“Not really,” Ludger says, shrugging.

“Ludger and I were just talking,” Milla says. Jude looks at them and raises his eyebrows. Milla’s hand is still resting on Ludger’s knee.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Ludger says, blushing. “We really were talking.”

“I believe you,” Jude says as he straps on his gauntlets. “Elize isn’t far away, so when she gets here we can head out.”

Milla nods at Ludger, her meaning plain. Ludger has no intention of telling Jude about their conversation. He has enough to worry about without adding Ludger’s guilt.

Elize shows up five minutes later, stumbling over her apologies for being late; she had been looking for a gift for Elle. Their quartet chosen, they begin marking the differences between yesterday’s route and today’s. They do not travel far, just as far as they did the previous day, but this time the route is certain. Jude nods to himself in satisfaction as his suspicions are confirmed.

“Good,” he says. “Rowen’ll be happy to see this.”

They push on until they reach the strange glowing barrier that seems to be the boundary between this area and the next, and decide immediately not to travel any further that day. They retrace their steps, Ludger remembering this time to collect the necessary monster parts to complete the jobs he has taken on from the job request board, and return to Marksburg only to be greeted by a request from Driselle.

In retrospect, Ludger should have expected that there would be invulnerable golems. Still, it helps Jude with his research. 

The other Milla would have liked to see Maxwell, he thinks, even if it is a spyrite version.


	3. Day Three

Driselle had convinced the party to stay the night, pointing out that her manor was far too large for just her, and that she’d be more than happy to let Jude recover overnight. Ludger considers going to the hotel, but the spectre of his debt still hangs over his head, and he does not want to deal with Nova today. He also doesn’t want to be alone. While Milla has told him he should forgive himself, it’s hard to do that. She speaks with his Milla’s voice, and sometimes even has her mannerisms, but her return was only possible by his Milla’s sacrifice. He wishes he had time to process what he feels about all of this.

He doesn’t sleep until the early hours of the morning, and then sleeps late. He might have slept until the afternoon if not for Leia waking him up mid morning. After some disgruntled complaints from him about the time of day, Ludger gets up and goes downstairs to the receiving area, where Elize is already seated on the sofa, legs swinging off the edge. Leia follows behind him.

“We were thinking that we need to get a welcome home gift for Elle,” Leia says once Ludger has sat down next to Elize. She remains standing, bouncing from foot to foot with pent up energy in need of release.

“And Sharilton has a lot of nice stalls that we can buy things from,” Elize says. “I’m sure we’ll find the perfect present for her there.”

Ludger wants to go to Marksburg and continue the search, but as he has slept the morning away, the others have already gone. He knows, from the note left under his door, that Milla has things to do this morning — hopefully with Jude, because they don’t have a lot of time left together — and as such, they have to wait until she’s free. That’s frustrating. However, he also wants to give Elle a gift. He just hasn’t had the time to buy her one yet. Everything has been happening so fast that he hasn’t had time to sit and catch his breath, let alone buy gifts. Maybe he should do this, now that they have the time.

“Sure, okay,” he says. “But we have to remember to catch the last boat out of Sapstrath.”

“No problem!” Leia says. “We’ll definitely make it.” She pauses in thought. “Oh, and before we go?” Leia extends her hand, palm up, towards Ludger. “Your GHS?”

Baffled, Ludger hands it over to her. Leia turns it off, and puts it into her pocket, ignoring Ludger’s startled cry. “You can deal with everything later. Right now, this is us time.”

Ludger sighs and follows the girls out into the street. He has to admit that he wouldn’t want to take a call from either Nova or Vera today - either option seems awful. The pain isn’t so bad today and he doesn’t want to upset that. For the moment he can pretend to be okay.

It helps that Sharilton is one of the liveliest cities he’s been to.

While Kanbalar is the political seat of power for Rieze Maxia, Ludger has learned in his travels that power seems to be devolved into both Fennmont and Sharilton. Fennmont is the research capital, where spirit artes are researched to their fullest potential, while Sharilton is the mercantile hub of the continent. It’s not what Ludger expects, given what he learned in his school days, but now that he has met his friends, it makes more sense. Rieze Maxia is a lot more complex than the stories of barely-literate spirit-worshiping savages. Sharilton’s markets spill out from one section to the next, with hawkers shouting the delights of their wares. Cries of _finest Efreet porcelain!_ battle against _picked-fresh poranges from Hamil!_ for consumer attention and unlike at the market of Trigleph, which is ordered and organised, merchants tend to set up their stalls wherever there is space. There is even a merchant selling his wares from the back of a wagon. The smell of animal musk mixes in with ripening fruit, oil from the weapons and armour rising to the top of the odour profile, and most people from Elympios would sniff at the sight. 

Ludger loves every minute of it. The people of Sharilton are happy: happy with their lives, with their jobs, and with the Lady Driselle Sharil who rules over them all. That happiness permeates every part of the town, and it’s worth having to watch your step near the animals.

“Where should we start?” Leia asks, her hand shading her eyes as she studies the consumer feast before her. “We should do this methodically. Start from the furtherest point and work our way back! Divide and conquer!”

Elize, her hands sticky from eating the porange she bought at the behest of the fruit merchant, surveys the market with a practiced eye. “A lot of these don’t get new stock until next week,” she says finally. “We should only go to the ones that have new things to look at.”

“Aw, but I haven’t had a good chance to window shop in ages,” Leia says. Ludger wonders why she calls it ‘window shopping’ given that it’s an open air market. Perhaps it’s a Rieze Maxian thing. “What if I’ve missed something really awesome?”

“We can do a sweep at the end?” Elize says. She sneaks a look at Ludger from underneath her bangs. “If we have time. I know Ludger has important places to be.”

Ludger shakes his head. “This is important too,” he says. “Elle needs a present from her big sisters.”

“That’s right!” Leia says. “Bunnykins are right out, so we need a new idea. Any ideas, Ludger?”

Ludger shrugs. If she were older, Ludger would suggest a kitten of her own that she could look after, given how good she was with the cats they collected for the Kitty Dispatch system, but she is only eight years old. Chances are he would end up looking after it after a few days, even if Rollo could be convinced to play nicely with the new arrival. “…Maybe a box for her seashells?” he offers after a minute.

“Ooh, that’s _good_ ,” Leia says. “Every girl needs a treasure box.”

“We could get matching ones,” Elize says, tilting her head in thought. “Or would that make it less special?”

“I think it’s a great idea,” Ludger says, and Elize blushes as he smiles at her. He’s fairly sure now that Elize has a precocious crush on him, and he tries to treat her kindly while she gets over it. He had his own crushes on older people when he was her age, after all. “Where should we go?”

“I saw a stall near the entrance,” Leia says. “Let’s check it out!”

The stall that Leia means does not sell boxes, but it does sell metal butterfly hair clips painted with different colours of enamel paint, which Leia and Elize decide means that they have to buy one for everyone, including the men. Ludger considers discouraging this, but the mental picture of Gaius folding his arms stoically while a butterfly clip adorns his hair is honestly too good to pass up.

“Jude’ll wear it if you ask him,” Leia says as they pick out hair clips, and Elize giggles. “He would always wear my hairbands when I asked him to.”

Ludger stifles a snort because Jude has told him about this, and his story contains less ‘being asked’ and more ‘Leia would hit him with her bo staff until he did it’. Leia and Elize both look at him, and he tries to look innocent.

“What about Ga — Erston?” Ludger says. “Muzét could get him to wear it.”

Leia grins. “You’re evil,” she says, as she cheerfully picks out a red and black butterfly clip for Gaius. “Don’t think that will get you out of trouble though.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Ludger says, and picks a butterfly clip for himself. His is orange with grey highlights, to match the grey one with orange highlights that Elize has chosen.

When Leia and Elize have finished their hair clip selection, Ludger reaches for his GHS to pay for the purchases only to remember that Leia confiscated it at the start of the trip. She beams at him before handing to the merchant her own GHS.

“It’s our treat,” she says, “Besides, you’re carrying the bags!”

Fortunately, the bags of hair clips are not heavy. But by the time that they find the boxes, Ludger is laden down with bags holding plushies (“They’re cute!” “Not as cute as me!”), poranges, tea cups with cats painted on them, and small semi-precious stones, and wondering whether Elize and Leia are shopping for Elle or themselves. Fortunately, they find a box seller near the hotel, before Ludger’s arms fall off. 

“That’s the one,” Leia says with great gusto, looking at a box. Ludger looks at the boxes over her shoulder, hands tangled up with the bag handles.

The one that Leia has chosen is about the size of his hand with a stylised Sharilton windmill carved in relief on the top, stained a rich dark brown and, judging by the way that Elize is fiddling with the box and frowning in frustration, has a trick to opening it. 

“Let me show you, Miss Elize,” the merchant says, and presses the top and bottom blades of the windmill carved onto the lid. At first Ludger was somewhat perturbed at how the merchants all know Elize’s name, but Elize assured him that it was because she and Driselle would go shopping together every week. Ludger thinks it might have more to do with the fact that Elize is Driselle’s adopted daughter, but keeps that to himself. Instead, he stifles a laugh when Elize gasps in surprise as the box lid splits diagonally along each blade of the windmill and opens like a flower.

“It’s a spirit arte!” she says. Then she looks torn. “Will Elle be able to use it?”

“I don’t know,” the merchant says, nonplussed. “Is she one of those people that can’t use them?”

“Touch this!” Leia says, holding her box to Ludger. Ludger takes a moment to sort out his hands and bags before obligingly touching the top and bottom blades of the windmill carved into her box. He can feel a tingle of something against his skin which he knows from his time fighting means that there’s a spirit arte in place, and then the box opens. 

“Are you one of those Elympions?” the merchant asks Ludger.

He nods, still keeping his hand free in case he has to defend himself. After all, the reverse question would result in a fight. 

“How do I get my boxes sold at Marksburg?”

That is not the question Ludger had expected and he blinks in surprise. 

“Driselle can arrange the permits for you if you ask her,” Elize says. Ludger didn’t expect that either. For all that Elize is small and naive, she does seem to know a fair amount about how the city is run. If Driselle is intending her to be her heir, she’s doing a good job preparing her.

“I’ll do that,” the merchant says. “Now, what can I do for you?”

“We want ten of these,” Leia says. “Can you do a discount?”

“You’re robbing me blind!” the merchant says with the ease of long practice. “But for you I can give you a small discount. Small! I have to feed my family!”

Leia takes on the challenge with the excitable enthusiasm she brings to everything, and they eventually end up with a twenty percent discount. The merchant wraps up their boxes and they head back to Sharil Manor.

Driselle greets them at the gate.

“Oh, Elly!” she says. “There you are! I need your help with something this afternoon. It’s really important!”

Elize looks over to Ludger and Leia, looking torn. 

“It’s okay,” Ludger says gently. “We won’t rescue Elle today. You go help Driselle.”

“Are you sure?”

“Go!” Leia says. “Between Jude, Muzét and me, we got the healing covered until you come back.”

“Okay,” Elize says. “But you’d better not rescue her without me!”

“Would you like me to look after those bags for you, Ludger?” Driselle asks. “We can store them here until you come back.” She reaches out her hands and Ludger divests himself of their shopping. “Goodness!”” she says in surprise, fumbling the bags before catching them again. “You really did buy a lot!”

“It’s for Elle,” Elize says. “If we have time this evening, can we help get everyone’s presents together?”

“Of course!” Over Elize’s head, Driselle mouths ‘thank you’, and Ludger nods slightly.

Driselle ushers Elize inside, leaving Leia and Ludger standing outside the gate.

“Hey Ludger,” Leia says. “You looked like you were having fun today.”

“Yeah,” Ludger says. “I did.”

“I’m glad,” Leia says. “You know, we’ve all been really worried about you lately. It’s been rough, huh?”

“Yeah,” Ludger says after a moment. 

“But, you gotta remember,” Leia goes on. “You and Elle are going to have your whole lives together after this! You’re gonna be her dad! Though you kind of already were.” She looks uncertain for a moment, a strange expression for Leia, before continuing, “and if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. I want to help you!”

“You are helping,” Ludger says, after swallowing. “All of you. If it was just me … I think I’d give up.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Leia says immediately. “That’s not who you are. You never gave up before, not once. I admire that about you.”

“Jude said the same thing,” Ludger says. “Are you sure you two aren’t reading each other’s minds?”

“We’ve known each other for years!” Leia blurts out quickly. “So of course we think the same thing — wait, Jude admires you?”

“That’s what he said,” Ludger says. He can see the wheels turn in Leia’s mind before she grins, folds her arms and raises her eyebrows.

“So you and Jude, huh?”

“What?”

Leia hums cheerfully. “I approve. You at least have a steady job.”

Ludger really has no idea what is going on and frowns at her. He shakes his head, in part negating what she is talking about but mostly in the hope that shaking it will clear his head and explain what she is talking about.

“When this is all over, you and I need to talk,” Leia says. “I’ll help you out with asking him out.”

Ludger can feel his face go red as he splutters, “No, that’s not it at all!”

Leia laughs. “I don’t mind if it’s you, you know.” Her voice goes wistful as she says, “Jude needs someone to look after him, and you’re good at that.”

Ludger can’t deny that Jude does need someone to make sure he takes care of himself emotionally; he has done his best to help build Jude’s confidence in himself and his skills. However, they’ve had to sneak these moments in around their journey, and it means that he hasn’t had enough time to do all that he could to help. If he were pressed, he could say that he appreciates Jude a lot and he still is in disbelief that he’s only sixteen. He isn’t sure whether he has a crush on Jude, or whether if he did that Jude would take it well, but that is something he can deal with later. Right now, he doesn’t think he can really form that kind of connection with anyone.

Instead, he says, “I thought you had a crush on him?”

“It’s that obvious?” It’s Leia’s turn to splutter. She blushes and waves her hands frantically, and Ludger has to grin at this. “I mean, not that it matters if I did, but he is completely in love with Milla. And I’m worried! What will he do when she goes back to the spirit realm?”

That, of course, is the shadow that has been looming over them all since Milla Maxwell returned. She has made it quite clear that she will not be here for long, and could never forsake her duty for love, even if she really wants to. Ludger knows, by what Jude doesn’t say as well as what he did a few days ago, that Jude thinks that Milla hung the stars. When she leaves, he really doesn’t know how Jude will take it.

“We’ll all be there for him,” Ludger says.

“Yeah, we will.” Then Leia sighs. “Ugh, I did it _again_. I was trying to comfort you, and it ends up with you comforting me!”

“Heh,” Ludger says. He looks at his watch. It’s later than he thought, and they have to get to Sapstrath Seahaven in the next few hours otherwise they’ll miss the boat to Marksburg. He angles his watch face to show Leia the time. “We should probably go if we’re going to make it to Marksburg in time.”

“Oh my gosh, is it that late?” Leia blurts out. “Oh no, we’re going to miss the boat!” She grabs Ludger’s hand and pulls him along as she runs. Ludger shakes his head ruefully while running to keep up.


	4. Day Four

Ludger does not make it to Canaan. He feels like he should apologise to Julius, but he thinks Julius will understand that when a friend is kidnapped by terrorists, you have to rescue them. Rescuing Rowen takes up most of the day, even with the locating charm that Rowen gave them, because Labari Hollow is both remote and difficult to navigate. The rest of the day is taken up by travelling from Labari Hollow to Drellin, where Rowen makes good his offer to take them out to a restaurant.

“Now, Ludger,” Rowen says as the waiter escorts them to their table. “Even you will be impressed by this chef. I guarantee it.”

Ludger scans the menu, disturbed at the lack of pricing attached to each meal option, and chooses the daily special, which promises to be grilled fish with a light salad. Fish, in his experience, is easy to cook but difficult to cook well.

He is impressed by the chef’s skill; the fish all but melts in Ludger’s mouth, and he takes mental notes of the spices he can taste. Maybe, once this is all over, he will try and replicate the recipe himself. He doubts he will have a job once this is over, as he is overwhelmingly unqualified for the role of vice-president of a massive company, but he could always open a restaurant. _Julius would have loved that,_ he thinks, and has to bite the inside of his mouth to not react. He has hours at a time where he can almost forget what has happened and who he happened to, and then it hits him hard enough to make him gasp at the recollection. He takes a breath, and lets it out, and thinks he might have passed if their host were not Rowen.

“Ludger,” Rowen says after they see Elize back to the care of Driselle at the hotel. “Might I have a word?”

“Sure,” Ludger says, leaning on the handrail, looking over the cliff. The sun is setting, the sky afire with the spectacular sunsets that come with a world slowly fading into dust and decay, and the light limns Rowen’s ponytail and beard with gold. In this light, Rowen looks younger, and Ludger wonders if this is what Rowen looked like back when he was a tactician for one of Rieze Maxia’s armies before Gaius united them.

“Admiring my good looks?” Rowen says lightly, and Ludger blushes. He has been staring.

“I was miles away,” Ludger says. “Sorry.”

“It’s not uncommon, even for a man of my years, to have younger admirers,” Rowen says. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Heh,” Ludger says, and even manages to smile.

“That’s what I’ve been looking for,” Rowen says. His voice loses the teasing tone, and becomes more sympathetic. “You’ve gone through so much lately. How are you feeling?”

Ludger considers his answer. Too much truth will make Rowen worry. Not enough truth will make him suspicious. And Rowen is far more emotionally astute than the others when it comes to grief.

“Numb,” he says finally. “Tired. I can’t wait until this is over so that I can sleep.” He isn’t sure that it’s quite the right mix of the truth, but Rowen is polite enough not to comment on it too much.

“Make sure you rest tonight,” Rowen says, patting his shoulder as he walks him to the train station. “Tomorrow’s going to be another long day. I might need you to rescue me again!”

“I’ll do my best,” Ludger says. “But I’m sure you will rescue yourself far better than I could.”

As they enter the train station, Rowen pauses. “Are you certain you want to go home? I have some money aside for a room for you, if you don’t want Miss Nova to know what you’re doing tonight.”

It would be the first time that he went home since Julius died, and what he wants is for someone to come with him so that the holes where Julius and Elle should be aren’t so obvious. He knows that if he asks it, all of his friends would come, and would sleep on his floor and smile and say that it is perfectly fine. He also feels as though his self-control is fracturing under his grip and that if he spends more time soaking up the kindness of his friends his control may shatter entirely. If he is to break down, he does not want an audience for it.

“I am,” he says, and tries to sound certain. Rowen studies him from over his glasses, but doesn’t try to convince him otherwise. After all, Rowen is familiar with the path that grief takes.

The train ride from Drellin to Trigleph is not long, but the sun has long set by the time that Ludger arrives at Trigleph station. Not that that matters, because Trigleph is the city that never truly sleeps. Regardless of the time of day, there will always be people on the streets, all of them unaware that if Ludger fails in his mission then their lives will end, judged by decisions made two millennia ago.

The weight of that responsibility settles onto his shoulders, causing them to slump under the weight and for his footsteps to be heavy and laboured as he makes his way past the Spirius Corporation building to the apartment complex where he, Elle and Julius — no, just him now, don’t think about it, you can’t break down in the street, what would the neighbours think? — where he lives with Rollo.

Rollo, who has been remarkably good about their transient living arrangements, demands to be fed the minute Ludger opens the door. That’s not uncommon for Rollo and would explain why he is so overweight. Ludger has long suspected that Julius fed him when Ludger is not home and snuck in treats when Ludger insisted that he shouldn’t. _That won’t be a problem now,_ he thinks, and he finds it blackly funny that this is how they finally get Rollo to lose weight. Cooking Rollo’s food is soothing and familiar, and he concentrates on making it properly. It’s yet another responsibility Ludger has at the moment, because Rollo cannot understand what has happened to turn Ludger’s life upside down. For all that Rollo is a part of Ludger’s family, he is still a cat.

He ladles Rollo’s cat food into his bowl, and as Rollo settles in to eat, sits on the sofa, turns the television on, then changes the channel to whatever channel is not showing the news. He is tired of being the subject of current affairs, and he is tired of the media outlets pawing over his and Julius’ lives, trying to find some meaning in Julius’ disappearance and Ludger’s promotion under the cloud of being a suspected terrorist. Besides, the latest rumour is that he was promoted because he was Bisley Bakur’s long-lost son, and that is clearly ridiculous. He thinks about getting their laundry and sorting it, separating out his laundry from Julius, but now that he is sitting down he does not want to do anything at all. It’s all too hard.

From his sofa he is able to lie on his back and stare at the flickering lights of the power lines through the haze of poorly cleaned windows. Every night, the power lines light up like hundreds of fairy lights dancing across the city, pulsing like the city’s heartbeat. When he was little, Julius would tell him stories about how the fairy lights would watch over him while Julius was away at work, and that he wouldn’t have to worry because they would always protect him when Julius couldn’t.

“Damn you, Julius,” Ludger sighs, his hand aching from where he has held Julius’ pocket watch in a white-knuckled grip. “Why you? Why not me? It should have been me.”

His GHS buzzes with a text message, and he flips it open. It’s from Rowen:

> Ludger. While at the moment it may seem like there is very little hope left, things will improve. If there is any way that I can assist, please let me know. I would be delighted to help a dear friend and such a fine young man.

“Thanks, Rowen,” Ludger says, folding his GHS closed and letting his arm fall off the side of the sofa to hang to the ground. He closes his eyes and hopes to sleep.

He dreams of drowning, of being crushed under the weight of everyone who he has killed, and whose blank, sightless eyes still somehow accuse him of murdering them, beg him to save them, ask things of him that he does not understand. He asks them to tell him please, what can he do, how can he make it better, but they remain silent.

He awakens with a start, causing Rollo to jump off his chest with an aggrieved miaow.

“Sorry, Rollo,” Ludger offers, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. He sits up as best he can, and after Rollo makes it clear to him that he’s not impressed, he comes and rests on Ludger’s lap. He’s not as heavy as he normally is — perhaps the diet is working, or that he too is missing Julius — but he purrs contentedly as Ludger pets him. This too is soothing. There had been many nights when it was just Ludger and Rollo, alone in their apartment, waiting for Julius to come home, where Rollo would insist on being petted by Ludger until Julius came home.

“I’m sorry,” Ludger says, and his voice cracks. “He’s not going to come home.”

He still hasn’t cried. He hasn’t cried about Milla’s death, or the deaths of so many fractured dimensions, or his own death, and the idea of crying over Julius’, the one where Julius opened himself up and waited for his blade twice, seems wrong. Selfish. He’s still not crying now, even as his breath comes in desperate, ragged gasps, and he wishes that he could because maybe if he cries things will hurt less.

Rollo stays on his lap until he is able to catch his breath and straighten up from where he has curled around the painful void in his stomach. The laundry still needs doing and he gently moves Rollo onto the sofa before going to the laundry hamper.

The level of dirty laundry is lower than he remembers it being. He sorts it into colours and whites to take down to the communal laundry, and realises why when he reaches the bottom. The only clothing in the hamper is his own. Julius had already taken his laundry out.

“Oh, Julius,” Ludger sighs. It’s bittersweet, knowing that Julius knew that he would go to Marksburg to die and did all that he could to make life easier for Ludger afterward. “What will I do without you?”

Fortunately, the laundry is empty, and Ludger busies himself with washing all of his clothes, and then using the dryer. He focuses solely on the task. It’s hard; he’s tired and it doesn’t seem like clean clothes matter in the scheme of things, but whenever he stops he remembers that Julius managed to do it. He remembers that even after the destruction of her whole world, Milla managed to do her laundry. If they can do that, and more, he can do his laundry.

Eventually, it’s done. He returns to their apartment, waking up Rollo despite his best intentions. Rollo sleepily waddles over to where he has flopped on the sofa and sits on his lap before falling asleep again. Ludger manages to drowse in the early hours of the morning, waking with the dawn. It’s another day, and there are things that must be done before he can rest.


	5. Day Five

They are getting closer to the end of the maze that is the land of Canaan, and Ludger knows it. He wants to keep going and bring Elle home with him today, but Jude shakes his head when he suggests it.

“Ludger,” he says and it’s worse for all the sympathy in his voice. “Your cough’s getting worse.”

The Four Great Spirits’ shield is holding, but they are now further into the maze than they have ever been before, and even through the shield continued exposure means that the miasma seeps in and settles into their lungs. Milla concentrates on making the shield stronger, sweating with the exertion, and Jude prescribes cough medicine when they are outside so that the coughs are productive. Their time limit for exploration now is whenever someone coughs repeatedly, and Ludger has been trying to suppress his cough so that they can keep going. Unfortunately all that does is mean that when he does cough, it rips through his chest like a serrated blade and he sees stars afterward.

“Okay,” he says, and tries to remember that Jude is doing it for his own good.

Instead, they spend time outside, helping Leia decide what she wants to do with her life. It’s a simple problem, comparatively, but one that he enjoys solving because it is one with a solution. Leia loves being a journalist, thrives on the challenge of following a trail of clues to a conclusion, and the solution seems obvious. Helping her means that he doesn’t need to think of a solution for his own problems. It helps.

He does, however, consider saying no to Alvin’s invitation to go drinking to celebrate his future business ventures. Almost. He quickly dismisses. He knows that he holds his drink well, years of drinking with Julius has taught him that much and if he starts to get maudlin he can leave. He’s never been a maudlin drunk in the past, and normally he’s quite the happy drunk, but normally he hasn’t had a week like this. It’s been seven days since Julius died. He wonders if that’s why Alvin planned the date when he did.

Alvin gets the first two rounds. The first is dedicated to his future business ventures. The second, to Ludger’s chagrin, is dedicated to helping him relax. Ludger comments that he should really leave after this, hoping to be persuaded otherwise.

“You can’t leave so soon!” Leia says, nursing her beer. “You needed a night off.”

“She’s right,” Alvin says. “You’ve been running yourself ragged! You need to let your hair down! If you’re not singing at the end of the night with Leia, we’ll just have to do it again tomorrow night!”

“All right, all right,” Ludger says with a laugh, throwing his hands up. “But the next round’s on me.”

Alvin frowns. “Are you sure?” His voice is pitched low so that only he and Ludger can hear, which Ludger appreciates. He has some pride, after all.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ludger says. He smiles at Alvin, and adds, “it’s okay, I already paid the bank.”

“Who am I to pass up a free drink! Next round’s on Ludger here!” Alvin says, draping his arm over Ludger’s shoulder. The others laugh, and Ludger gets their beers.

As he returns back to their booth, his phone rings jauntily, cutting through the buzz of noise in the bar. Ludger groans, puts the tray of beers back on the table and fumbles for his pocket. The caller display shows that it’s Nova, which only goes to show that bankers have worse work schedules than fugitive terrorist suspects. He thinks about not answering it, but Julius taught him to be politer than that.

“Hello?” he says.

“Hiya Luds!” Nova sings down the phone. “Having a night on the town?”

“Yes,” Ludger says, “why?”

“Oh, nothing!” Nova says. “Just want to make sure you’ve got enough money for the next repayment!”

Ludger sighs. “Yeah,” he says heavily. “I will.” 

“I’m sorry,” Nova says. “I know that you don’t have compulsory payments anymore, but you were doing so well before! If you keep it up you’ll have the debt paid off in no time!”

From somewhere below him, he can hear someone make an aggrieved noise in the back of their throat. He looks down to see Leia, half slumped across the table and one eye closed in order to focus better, look at his phone. He tries to move away, but Leia is fast enough to grab his phone and flip it closed.

“It’s a _party_ ,” she says by way of explanation, pushing the phone between her and the bar table. “That means it’s after hours! No calls for you.” 

There’s some complicated hand gesturing between Alvin and Leia, exaggerated by the alcohol they’ve both been drinking, but Ludger still doesn’t know quite what they are doing. He settles back and enjoys his beer.

And another one.

And another one.

“What’s this?” he says at last when Alvin plonks down a third unexplained beer.

“Everyone else’s rounds,” Alvin says.

“Huh?” Ludger says. “Aren’t I due next?”

“Nah,” Alvin says. “We’ll be wrapping up soon. Someone’s got to get Leia home.” Leia is asleep, sprawled across the table, Alvin’s jacket draped over her shoulders. Balan has tripped over several times and now is just sitting on the floor, beer in hand as his head droops and his glasses slide down his nose. 

“And Balan,” Ludger says. 

He can’t help but smile at the sight, especially given how exaggerated Alvin’s sighs are as he picks up Balan. Picking up Leia is harder than Ludger expects; she’s heavier than she looks and Ludger’s starting to feel the alcohol. She makes a face and opens her eyes to stare at him blankly before going back to sleep as they make their way to the train station. He can hear Alvin swearing as Balan stumbles even with the prop of Alvin’s shoulder, and he smiles at this. Julius would swear like that when they had been out too late on the town and Ludger was too drunk to walk home on his own. The alcohol numbs his reaction to that memory enough that he can appreciate it for what it is, rather than have a moment where he forgets to breathe.

The train ride from Duval to Trigleph is quite short, and they have the carriage to themselves. Ludger lays Leia down across the chairs as gently as he can. She wrinkles her nose and stirs as if she’s about to wake up again but thankfully doesn’t. Ludger is fairly sure, from past experience, that she’s going to wake up with a monstrous hangover and he’d rather she were home to deal with that.

“Hey,” Alvin says from the seat set on the other side of the aisle, where he’s sitting opposite Balan, sprawling into the train chair as if it’s his living room couch. “Don’t let her throw up on my jacket.”

“You probably should have thought of that sooner,” Ludger says, still standing.

“Yeah, I should have,” Alvin says ruefully. “It’s done now though. Take a seat already, will ya? You’re giving me a neck ache.”

Ludger sits down opposite Leia, on the seat closest to the aisle and to Alvin. He cannot bear to gaze out the train window tonight. The last time he did that, Elle was sitting in his lap pointing out the landmarks and giving them new names and rolling her eyes when Ludger called them by the proper names. Fortunately, he’s not so tired that he cries at the memory. He might have done it in front of Jude, who would understand but Alvin doesn’t seem the kind of guy that cries.

“You okay?” Alvin says, his gaze entirely too shrewd.

“Yeah,” Ludger says. “Just thinking about Elle.”

“Don’t worry,” Alvin says. “We’ll get her back.”

Ludger pulled his pocket watch out — the one he understands he shares with Elle now — out and cradles it in his hands. “It always ticked too fast to be my heartbeat,” he said to himself. “Why didn’t I realise sooner?”

“Huh?”

“Oh, the watch,” Ludger says, absently. He remembers a woman, her voice full of love, telling him he has to look after his pocket watch because it is part of him. It’s a strange memory, and it must be from when he was very young, before his mother died, because the only other person who spoke to him like that was Julius. It’s a little sad that this is all he remembers; all of his childhood memories are of Julius.

“That’s why you said Julius’ watch was him?”

“No,” Ludger says, and sighs. “It’s all I have left.” He puts his watch away. “But as long as this keeps ticking, I know Elle’s still alive.”

“Do you have anything from Milla?” Alvin says after a long moment.

“Just memories,” Ludger says. 

“Ask Milla for her sword back when this is over,” Alvin suggests. “Milla won’t need it where she’s going and it was always the other Milla’s sword anyway.”

“I’ll do that,” Ludger says. “Thanks for the idea.”

Alvin looks at him for a minute, his expression shadowed by the dim lighting of the nighttime train. “Hey, Ludger?” 

“Yeah?”

“You feeling any better?”

Ludger nods and smiles at him. “Yeah. Thanks.”

For a moment, Alvin looks like he’s about to say something else, then he shakes his head. “Good. Glad you enjoyed yourself. If anyone needs a break, it’s you.”

Ludger thinks about asking about what Alvin intended to say, but they’re almost at Trigleph. He can ask later, once Elle’s back.


	6. Day Six

It has been nine days since Ludger built a bridge to another dimension out of his brother’s soul and he has learned that grief is not a constant affliction. It ebbs and flows. In some hours he is able to function almost normally around the gnawing pain in his chest and in others he thinks he might die from it. For all that he thinks that he is desensitised to pain now, the shock still takes his breath away every time he does something silly and expects Julius to tease him about it, or to hear his Milla’s acerbic commentary, and neither is forthcoming.

He has learned that nights are the worst time, because he cannot keep himself busy with what his friends need. He cannot take on jobs to earn enough money to win himself free of his debt. There is not even any need to work through the night to get through Canaan to rescue Elle; time passes differently in Canaan and as long as the soul bridge holds, they will have their time. 

He doesn’t sleep as much as he should and when he does his dreams are terrible for their lucidity: Elle’s face is marred by her transformation into a divergence catalyst and he knows of no way to save her. He remembers dreaming about his duel with Julius, back before everything began, and cannot dismiss this dream as being a product of his subconscious mind. He knows, as he knew back then, that this has yet to pass. If it is a gift, it is a cruel one. But all of the gifts given to the Kresnik clan are cruel in the end.

At least when he dreams of Milla’s sadly determined face as she lets go of his arm, of Julius’ smile as Ludger kills him twice, of his own face twisted after years of regret and misery, of worlds shattering utterly under the lance of his will and the existence of millions erased he can wake up and know that these events are done. Life goes on. He must find a way to live with what he has done, in order to create his perfect world.

Ludger is having one of the bad dreams now. He’s running through the streets of Trigleph, or Duval, or Fennmont, or all of them at once, and Elle is nowhere to be found. He can hear her, shrill shrieks of pain and horror that cut through him, but he cannot see her. He turns a corner, slips on water underfoot and almost falls, before catching himself against the wall. He has to find her, but the screams cut off into a pained gurgle, and there she is, with black skin and red eyes, and the chromatus reacts to her in the way it does to all divergence catalysts. His armour slides across his skin and he can feel his perceptions shift as the transformation into his chromatus form is complete. He brings up the spear, Elle smiles through her tears, _I always wanted it to be you, daddy,_ and she walks onto the spear. She coughs, blood staining her teeth, but her smile doesn’t waver as the spear cuts through her like tissue paper.

He jerks awake, gasping, his heart hammering in his chest and his skin slick with sweat. It takes five breaths for him to recognise where he is, and see the comforting lights of Trigleph’s power lines seen from his apartment. It takes him five more breaths to realise that there is someone else in his apartment. He jumps to his feet with a strangled scream, fists up in a defensive stance, only to drop them as his mystery house guest giggles girlishly.

“Humans have the strangest dreams!” Muzét says in way of greeting. She’s still not up on human customs, or is and doesn’t care, Ludger isn’t sure. He sighs, shoulders sagging in relief.

“Hi Muzét,” he says, scrubbing at his face. His hand comes away damp and for a horrible moment he thinks it’s Elle’s blood. The street light shows it to be merely sweat. 

“Did I scare you?” Muzét asks, eyes wide and innocent, her mouth hidden behind her hand. She looks utterly guileless, which means she probably knows exactly what she was doing. 

“Not exactly,” Ludger says, and sits down heavily. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Muzét says, laying on the wide-eyed charm a little too much. _Ooh, I hope he asks me soon, I just might burst if he doesn’t ask me!_

Ludger raises an eyebrow.

“I wanted to pay you back for helping me earlier, so I looked at the soul bridge,” Muzét says.

“Oh,” Ludger says. He went to look at it afterward as well. Without Milla to shield them from the miasma, it simply isn’t safe for him to go to Canaan, but he can still stand near the bridge. He tries to do it on a daily basis, telling Julius about his day, how they’re progressing, how soon he can lay down his burden and let his soul rest. He hopes it doesn’t sound as desperate as he thinks it is. He also hopes that Muzét hadn’t heard him talking. He isn’t sure that she would understand. Worse, she might.

“It won’t last much longer,” Muzét says. “I don’t think you should use it after tomorrow.”

This too doesn’t come as a surprise. Julius has been holding it open for such a long time that it is honestly miraculous that it is still open, still stable, still holding out hope that Ludger can make everything right.

It still hurts to know that after tomorrow, there will be nothing left of Julius in the world. Not even a bloodstain where his life bled out. He’ll be reported missing, and people will talk about how he disappeared and wasn’t that so strange? And only a handful of people will know the sacrifice that Julius made.

“I’m sure that he’ll be reincarnated once we fix the miasma,” Muzét is saying, and Ludger starts.

“What?” he says. “What do you mean?”

Muzét stares at him, blinking, her expression blank. “Do you really not know what happens to humans when they die?”

“I know reincarnation’s involved,” Ludger says, shaking his head. “But that’s it.”

Muzét sighs in exasperation. “Humans, when they die, are reincarnated as spirits. Not like Milla and me, but smaller ones that don’t remember their past lives.”

“Julius too?” Ludger says. It seems ludicrous, not the least because they are _Elympion_. They cannot perform spirit artes, and while most of his friends claim to know where they are based on how the spirit clime sits on their skin, Ludger must consult a map. The idea of Julius becoming a spirit seems impossible.

“If you can still hear me after Milla and I return to the spirit realm, I’ll tell you where he is,” Muzét says. She smiles, not her usual smile that seems to hide sharp-tipped teeth, but a fond, sad smile, that she normally only bestows on Gaius when he is not paying attention. “He won’t remember you, but you’ll know.”

“Thank you, Muzét,” Ludger says, his voice thick. He swallows, twice, and still cannot clear his throat and his eyes sting. He’s crying, he realises. Nine days since Julius died, and he is finally crying because Muzét offered to help him find his brother’s soul. He buries his face in his hands, elbows propped on his knees, and tries to swallow his sobs. He’s not at all successful.

It takes him a minute to realise that the thing repeatedly tapping his shoulder uncertainly is Muzét’s hand. He wipes his eyes with his forearm and looks up at her. She stops. _Did it work?_ Inner Muzét says hopefully. _Did I make things better?_

“You did,” Ludger says. “Thank you.”


	7. Day Seven

Today is the day. They have had longer to prepare than Ludger had hoped, more than he had dared to hope. But now Milla tells him that the soul bridge is unstable, and it is unlikely that Muzét can use her powers to transport them to Canaan. If they do not rescue Elle today, there will be no salvation for her.

They fight their way through the land of Canaan, their steps sure as they follow the map that Rowen has made. They parry the attacks of monsters with practiced ease, and win Elle’s freedom from Bisley. It’s a terrible fight, all the more so by the fact that Bisley chooses to die to spite the Spirits and their trial, and now Ludger will never understand why Bisley made he did. They are almost too late; Elle’s face is marred by her transformation, and if Ludger had the time for it he would be ill at the thought that his dream was correct. However, there is no time: a wish must be made. He can choose to save the girl — save his girl, his daughter of his soul if not his daughter of his flesh and blood, who pleads with him with an eye just like his own— and doom the world, or doom his daughter, save the world and one day have a daughter of his flesh and blood who won’t be this Elle but another.

However, Bisley has given him a gift. It is a terrible one, but it is one that only he can accept. It is the gift of a third choice. Does he choose to live in Julius’ perfect world, or does he create his own? If he chooses to create his own world, is he ready to accept the consequences for this choice?

The answer is frightening. He knows what the consequences of this choice are.

He chooses anyway.

The gifts given to the Kresnik clan are cruel, unbearably cruel. He hopes that the gift of life that he gives Elle, the daughter he chooses to make real, is less so. He hums the Hymn of Proof, and smiles underneath his helm so that Elle can hear his smile in his voice. He could not lift his helm now even if he had the strength to; he knows that most of his body has been transformed and he will not allow Elle’s last memory of him to be a grotesque monster with his face. He hums despite the pain that wracks his body, and tries not to think about how Julius and Elle both bore this pain alone. He hums to comfort his friends, who stood by him and helped him to achieve his last wish. He hums so that the Great Spirits know that despite the fact that he failed their trial, humanity is worthy of protection. He hums for Julius who cannot be here but might be reborn one day, and he hums for the dead Milla who might have forgiven him for what he had to do, if she had had the time.

He hums for himself, and how as the transformation rips his flesh apart with hot wet claws, he would make this choice again.

There is no perfect world without Elle in it.

He hums until finally, there is nothing left of him at all.


End file.
